Interview with the Vampire

Below is the interview I conducted with Conrad last night:

K: Please state your name and date of birth

C: Conrad Fallulah Hopkins; February 30, 1982

K: You are a LIAR, Conrad Michael! ... born in December of 1974! What is your favorite thing that I cook?

C: Pulled Pork- or, wait! Maybe hamburger pie. I can't decide ...

K: But you never seem to get excited about my hamburger pie...

C: (LOUDLY) You always say that! When do I ever get excited about ANYTHING?

K: Good point. I should HOPE you were excited about our WEDDING.

C: Um ... *SIGH* I didn't EAT our wedding.

K: Fine. How does it feel to be the father of a 4 year old schnauzer?

C: (silence)

K: You know- happy, proud, frustrated, angry, overjoyed, overwhelmed, tired?

C: Yes

K: (glaring) Ok, how does it feel to be a husband?

C: (Silence, then in a frustrated voice) Why are you asking me all these FEELING questions? Guys don't FEEL. I want yes or no questions! But as an answer, I would say I feel more secure.

K: Secure?! Being MARRIED?!

C: Yes, secure. (ugly look)

K: Ok, we're switching to yes or no.
Do you LIKE being married?

C: *SIGH* Yes

K: Do you want some fries with that shake?

C: No

K: Do you looooove Obama?

C: No, because is he anti-gun.

K: Do you loooooooove Hillary?

C: No

K: Do you love John McCain?

C: In God's Way (smirk)

K: Do you want to go clothes shopping wtih me, this weekend?

C: Only if I can shop for myself too. OH and if I can play with the bras.

K: How many kids do you want? (trick question)

C: Negative One

K: What did you think when you first met me?

C: I wondered how long it would take you to come and say hello to me.

K: Because I'm so aloof?

C: NO- because you kept looking at me.

K: WHATever. Were you scared when I first moved to Houston?

C: No, not scared.

K: Nervous?

C: A little.

K: Name some hobbies

C: Guns, I guess listening to my music and um, writing poetry.

K: Uh, no ... not poetry. How about smoking cigars?

C: Ok, yes.

K: What is one of your goals?

C: To retire young.

K: That's EVERYONE'S goal. Give me a better one ... like fixing up an old car, paying off your student loan, designing a house....

C: Well if I retire young, I CAN fix up an old car. But ok- um, to own the largest private arsenal in the world.

K: How do you FEEL about my addiction to shows like Golden Girls, Designing Women and What Not to Wear?

C: I FEEL there's no problem with them, because sometimes I like to watch them too.

K: You're such a girl. Ok, so how do you FEEL about my love of all things Southern?

C: (thinking...) I think it's amusing because you're so hardcore about it.

K: WHAT?! (indignant) You would be hardcore too, Conrad, if you knew ANYTHING about your people, about your heritage ... *sigh*

K: Do you love me?

C: Very much

That concludes my interview with Conrad.