Wednesday, May 7, 2008


I am sitting here at my desk this morning and I realize that I am happy. For the first time, I think in my entire life, I am happy.

I've certainly had TIMES of happiness and things that made me happy. There are events that happen, like when I get to see my family, a great dinner out, a raise at work- all of those things make me happy, but I've never BEEN happy.

Something inside me has been broken for a long, long time. It's made me neurotic and scared and high strung and paranoid. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I'm a very tense person. My family laughs, but I think it's sort of sad, I'm known for this statement, when I was a litle kid. No matter what I did, or where I went or who I was with, my question was ALWAYS "It ain't gonna kill me is it?" Kinda funny, kinda cute- but mostly sad. I think there was something very, very wrong or "off" with me for a long time.

I don't think I was depressed or am depressed, but I know a chemical imbalance for sure runs in parts of my family. Most of the time, I'd rather be alone with a good book that with anybody else. I'm sad a lot, I think a lot, I'm always paranoid and when my knee hurts, I'm more likely than not to announce I have a brain tumor. I've been saying goodbye to people and missing people my entire life. That part won't change- my family is spread all over the country.

I also had some toxic people in my life which are no longer. I dreamed about two of them last night- we no longer speak and we never ever will again- and I'm ok with that. I have a hard time forgiving and I can hold a grudge like nobody's business ... and I don't miss these two people. It's just the thought of them still makes me angry. I dream about them about once a month and it's really something I have to let go- but them just not being around, is probably a good thing and a step forward in progress.

BUT, about two years ago, I started coming around. I started to not be AS paranoid. I started realizing if my car payment was three days late, things were going to be ok. I started really relaxing and trying to enjoy myself. It's been a SLOW process ... it's probably, I think, credited to Conrad more than anyone. He's very calm, very reasonable and I've learned through some stressful times and some paranoid times that he loves me no matter what. Besides my parents, I'm not sure I've ever experienced that. I've always been told romantic love is NEVER unconditional and maybe not- but it would take LOT for Conrad not to love me anymore. I know I am loved and secure and as long as he's around, he'll make sure nothing ever hurts me. He's the first person I've dated that HASN'T hurt me. He never hurts my feelings, when we quarrel- he's the first to offer the olive branch. He tucks me in every night and runs little errands for me and does things like picks me up a candy bar when he runs to the gas station- so I know he's always thinking of me. He definetly puts me first in everything ... and he loves my dog. I am the luckiest person in the world.

Moving to Houston and leaving all I knew was stressful. Selling and leaving my first home was heartbreaking. Coming to a new city and getting a new job and making new friends was terrifying. Waiting on an engagement drug on FOREVER ... planning the wedding was fun but it seemed it would never get here. Now it has come and gone and I feel a peace I've never before experienced in my life.

There are still problems in the world, in my life ... I'm not as skinny as I want to be, I still have Graves Disease, I still worry about people, I still miss my family and friends, I still live in Houston :) , I still wish I had more money and wish my bills were all paid off ... I could still get sick, any of us could .. but for once, I am incredibly peaceful and happy and still.


Jess said...

Just reading this post made me feel peaceful and happy and still. The first part of the post could have been written by several people I know, except they never would have because they are not nearly as introspective as you are. And the second half, about changing and evolving? I am so glad that's happened for you. I'm so glad you have someone as amazing as Conrad. And I'm glad that he has someone as amazing as you.

Barrie said...

What a lovely post. xo