Sunday, November 23, 2008

I've Lost My Best Friend

What a difficult post and I've been putting off writing it for what seems like ever. But now it has become abundantly clear that I've lost my best friend. My best friend of 15 years.

We've had a couple of breaks - two that I can remember really. One was for four years and the break was because one friend chose family and one was still a swinging single ... and the two lives did not mesh. There was no "THIS IS IT" talk, we just drifted away ... until I got older, more settled and sent a Christmas card and opened those lines of communication back up.

Break two was about a month before I moved to Houston and lasted one year. This one, I don't really take responsibility for. She was going through a lot with her family and I somehow got invoved, she was upset with me, believed I said or did something maliciously which I did NOT and then stopped talking to me. I was also moving to Houston to start my life with Conrad and I think she felt abandoned to some degree ... with the move came money issues, finding a job, selling my house and getting a whole new life. There was enough drama in there to go on Broadway and I could not deal with anymore. So I let it go. Somewhere within that year was a phone call (not sure by who) and we started back up again.

My best friend is beautiful inside and out, generous, loving and funny as all get out. I miss her deeply and I think she loves and cares about me- but there's one thing that bothers me ... and I don't even know if she reads here anymore ... if she does, she's going to get mad and feel attacked but after what I've been through I find it hard to dredge up sympathy ... my friend sort of either THRIVES on drama OR it seems to find her ... she's a beautiful soul and I can't figure out why she can't be happy. Maybe it comes easy to me, but it hasn't always ...I believe in working hard for what I have and that includes happiness and peace and my friend has been so beat down by life sometines, I think she lacks the energy to find it. And that's ok - I listen. I give advice. I pray and care for her- but now the drama has been brought into MY life and I find that unacceptable.

My best friend has not spoken to me since September and I have NO idea why. I have emailed, I have called, I have left messages, I've emailed again. Something terrible could have happened- she could have left her husband, she could have lost her grandmother, she could have had her home damaged in a storm. I really don't know. I don't WANT to think bad things, but there's no other reason for her to go into a hole like this.

I called the day before her birthday, I've emailed- I've sent messages on Myspace, I've done everything I know to do short of driving three and a half hours to her house. I don't know what else to do! I can't think of WHAT could have caused this. The only thing I come up with is that during the hurricane we stayed near her house and did not call- but if you were a reader of this blog then you know we had no water, no electric and no gas in the city of Houston. We drove as far as we could to get to where we could get internet and work and we worked. We did not even tell Conrad's parents, who were down the street, where we were. If you didn't live through this storm you have NO IDEA ... we showered, slept and worked. Then we went back after less than two days - becayuse both of our offices were back up and running even if our house was not. We did not go to Dallas for social reasons and EVERYONE else has understood that. Maybe my friend understood too- I don't know, SHE WON'T TALK TO ME. I even posted here after the hurricane that I was so upset because certain people had not even called to check on us- she was one of them. I mean we had no food, no water, no gas to get anywhere. It was like living in hell and she didn't even call to see if we were ok. That was my first inkling something was wrong ... and no call back for her birthday. ONE returned email that was terse and to the point ... and now finally on Friday I emailed her one last time and said YOU ARE HURTING ME. No reply. I guess she does not care.

I think about this when I get up, when I'm in the shower, when I'm at work, when I drive home, before I go to sleep. ALL THE TIME and it's not fair and now it's become mean and cruel and I am DONE. I am done with the breaks. I am done with the precieved misdoings that I would never ever do on purpose. I am taking my cue from Conrad and trying to live a good, content, drama free life. I know when and if the email DOES come, the reason will be something *I* did and I can not bear it ... because I know in my heart I did nothing wrong.

If you still read here and I think you do- then here's my final message: I love you my friend- and the last time I told you the truth you stopped speaking to me for a year. Here is another truth - you have to find someway to live in peace or you will destroy yourself. You have to find a way to get past your mom, your dad, your husband, your jobs, everything. I do not believe the world is out to get YOU or anyone else. Life just isn't fair plain and simple. Maybe you've had more tough calls than anyone else, maybe you haven't ... But you do have a duty to try to live a good life for you and your kids. I have loved you and been the best friend to you that I know how. This is my first holiday season as a married woman and I will not let this ruin it, doggone it. We deserve better than that ... but inside I am so ANGRY because I can't believe you are doing this to me when you KNOW it's my first year to be married, my first holiday season to be married, my first year with Conrad- who you said I was so lucky to have. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs THANKS FOR NOTHING. You were supposed to be HERE, but WHERE ARE YOU? ... and how dare you leave me?

I have reached out and been rejected. I am not trying to make this all about me, but you won't talk, so all I have is myself. Conrad's sensibleness says to let it go, so I am ... I can't do this anymore. I hope something terrible has NOT happened because if it has and you have not let me be part of it, I will be heartbroken - but you can't hurt me anymore. I can't let you. I don't understand ... I have to do what my daddy says and put you in a box on a shelf and not take you down for awhile, or maybe ever ... because every time I open it, I get smacked in the face with it.

I owe it to my God, my husband and me to have a good life ... and sometimes that means letting go.

I let you go.



kkmom said...

Hey! That makes me so sad to read that. I have always struggled with letting friendships go myself and I know how hard it is. Through my experience, though, I've learned that sometimes that can be a good thing for me. I always go back to this phrase and I don't know where it came from, but I like it: there are friends for a season, friends for a reason, and friends for life. Maybe someday the friendship can be restored--but I believe friendships should be a "safe" place for both people and when they are not, it is often good to let go. I'll pray for you and your friend both. Love ya!

Tracy said...

Hey Karyn, I felt so sad reading that! I have experienced toxic friendships before, and they are just so destructive. Your Dad's analogy reminds me of one of Darlene's philosophies of 'slotting' your friends. I am so sad for you that you have to slot someone that you love so much, but you also can't keep being poisoned like that..
Please know that you have lots and lots of love and prayer coming from NWA...