Upset

I am upset, and my closest friends here in Houston know all about it - but I thought I would fill the rest of you in and also vent. I feel like I am going to explode.

So you all know I am on the this fitness kick. We are going to Ireland later in the year and I am thinking that instead of laying around a pool in a resort, this will be more of a sightseeing trip, which means walking, stairs ETC and I know I am not up for it. So I figured ok, I have X months to do something about that.... and that is what has spurred on this kick of mine. If I lose weight and I am SURE I will, then that is just an extra. I am not getting ready for bathingsuit season or anything I just want to be able to ENJOY Ireland.

Today a friend at work, who works out pretty regularly, but is not "fit", came over to talk to me about my workout. She saw me out in the hall trying to walk (not easy today) and we joked about it. She came by the desk and asked about my goals and I explained the Ireland thing. She started saying all about how she weighs herself every week and tries to keep track there. I said I didn't want to do that. I felt I would be discouraged. Discouragement sends me to the taco truck and then to bed. I told her I wanted to see muscle tone, increased endurance and tolerance and some better fitting clothes. She disagreed and LOUDLY, here at work. She demanded that I weigh myself on Thursday night during my next pool class. I said no. She said I would never know if I reached my goal if I didn't do it. We went round and round and she got louder. She jumped up and said I am going into the breakroom now to weigh myself, let's go. I said NO I do not want to go. I don't want to know. I don't want to be discouraged and I am TELLING you if I know my weight right now, I will be very very upset and I will stop, or cry or eat too much. I DO NOT want to know.

She created SUCH a scene I had to get up and go into the kitchen to get her to shut up --- it was starting to cause a problem and I just KNEW we would get taken down to HR and I did not know what to do ... and then I had to get on the scale to get her to shut up and it was JUST as I had feared. The number so bad, to me, that I just started bawling. I came back to my desk and just SOBBED.... I feel like there is no way to get out of this hole. WHY did she DO this to me and WHY did I LET HER? I am just sick. I have been sick all day. I fluxuate between self hatred and hatred towards her. I am just devastated. Who knew I had gotten this big since I came to Houston and I wasn't a supermodel when I left Dallas. I do NOT want to workout now. I wonder what the point is. I think to myself that water aerobics is the sissy way out and I am just in there so I won't hurt and sweat. I am in there with a bunch of fatties, which is TRUE.

I went so far as to send Conrad and email to tell him I am so sorry he is married to a fat pig and I can't believe he even wants to lay eyes on me or touch me. I told him I was SO SORRY I hadn't realized it had gotten this bad and I just did not know what to do, but I was trying my best. Keep in mind Conrad has NEVER said a word to me about anything of this nature. He tells me all the time I am beautiful and he even worries when I start to workout that I will lose some of my parts. I know I am blessed where he is concerned, but I don't want him to be embarassed of me and hauling me around and my massive weight from place to place like a gigantic one ton albatross.

I hate that she did this to me and I hate that I let her. Why did she just not respect my NO. Please NO. Please go away. She would not. I am sure she thought she was helping me, but now I look in the mirror and I just want to die. Not literally but I am miserable and unhappy and I don't want anyone to touch me or look at me.

The other fun part, all the people around here who heard what happened are now telling me I don't stand up for myself which is basically saying I am weak. I did NOT want to create more of a scene. I just wanted her to stop. They are all saying that I gave in to her - and hurt myself in order to not hurt her feelings. That makes me feel bad about like the INSIDE of me. It's been a bad day in Karyn Land. BAD DAY.

Kah