Thursday, March 31, 2011


She came over here this morning and said she was sorry. She started crying. She hugged me and said she didn't mean it and had no idea I would be effected the way I was. I explained again that I didn't want to know the number and that was NOT the way I was choosing to gage my health. She said she understood and was just in tears. I guess she had gone home and talked to someone there and told her all about what she did/or what happened. She looked sincere and I did feel bad about that.

I can't stand it when other people are hurting and I knew, from knowing her that she was having a bad evening. I knew she would stew and I knew she would not sleep ... and I was prepared to do battle this morning because I knew she would be back over here. I just didn't expect the immediate tears and apologies. I thought it would be more of a fight. She's not a bad person but yesterday just went too far. I had a TERRIBLE evening. I went home and Conrad wanted to know what happened. Through sobs and crying I told him. I cried for an hour. He just sat there with me, and didn't know much of what to say ... I am sort of irrational when I am feeling this way. He, of course, was horrified and he promised me he had never lied to me and wasn't going to start now. He told me he didn't see a thing in the world wrong with me. I named all the people he works with - and how they all have skinny wives and he looked really gobsmacked. He says he doesn't think of that at all. Not even when we're all on trips together and it's obvious who's wife is a pork-o.

I ended up in bed at 5:40 and cried myself to sleep. I got up around 7 and came back out and tried to have a normal evening. I did sleep throught the night, so that was good. My eyelids are GINORMOUS this morning from the crying last night.

I am going back to water aerobics tonight, just with a somewhat heavier heart than I went on Tuesday. I thought then I was doing it just because I WANTED to. Now that I have number in my head, I am doing it because I HAVE to and that sucks all the joy and fun and happiness right out of it.

This will take, seriously, probably a month or more to get over. I don't get over things quickly. Someone suggested to me yesterday here at work, the weight isn't my problem, it's my emotions, my drama and my not getting over things that's really the problem. I don't know ...