Purging

Ah! A very happy post ... for me anyway!

So lately there has been so much going on with me. All family related (between mine and Conrad's) and probably 70% brother related. His situation went from bad to really bad to horribly horribly worse ... and came to a head last week. When said situation was over - or the problem of the moment was over (the situation is not over), I looked around and realized my house was a mess. I don't have rats having a party in the kitchen or anything, but it was dusty and disorganized and I had piles of things everywhere. I read somewhere a long time ago that what your house and the things around you look like - is a reflection of where your head and your life is. So when I looked around I saw a chatoic mess ... and I am NOT like that naturally. I am neat, clean and organized. I keep a nice house. I have pride in my house and in my life, but lately no ... and my head? My head a big mess!

My brother is no longer in Austin. As of this exact minute I don't know where he is. It has taken me a VERY long time to be able to say I love my siblings very much, but loving them has nothing to do with taking care of them. I don't make enough money to take care of them. I shouldn't have to take care of them. It's not my responsibility to take care of them. I am VERY sad about the situations they find themselves in. My heart hurts everyday about that ... but I am starting to get angry. I am mad that my parents can't ... live the lives they should be at this stage in their life. I am mad that they and I, am made to feel guilty (probably self inflicted) that we are doing better than they are. I am mad that they constantly come to me for support and money and whatever else. I am starting to get angry about they way they treat ME. Like a revolving bank. Like a parent. Like the things I want and need are not important - as long as I get them back on their feet.

So I look around me and I realize that my head hurts, my heart races, my heart palpitates, I cry a lot ... I get lumps and bumps everywhere. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I lose weight, I gain weight ... all self inflected and my house isn't doing much better. For some reason this really inspired me and I decided NO MORE - the junk was headed out. Time to clean!

You want to see what the inside of my head looked like? A lot like my cabinet!

A MESS!!! Look at that ... stuff from my pantry. Dishes everywhere ... it's fall, I wanted to bake the other day but I did NOT want to rummage through the cabinet to find what I needed, so ... no baking. Well, no more! I sat down and took about 30 minutes and pulled it all out onto the floow. I figured out what was going to be kept, where it would be kept ... what was trash and what was for the donate pile. I found SIX round cake pans. SIX.

My cabinets and my head now look like this:

... and now that they look like this I found plenty of room for my new gifted pizza stone and my new roasting pieces ... I found ALL my baking things and a purple Pyrex casserole dish I have been looking for forever ... all the food was moved back into the pantry where it belongs ... and slowly ... I am making my way around the house.

I am still REALLY sad about what all is going on, but I have got to get myself under control and this is the first step.

Kah