Friday, August 26, 2011


Sorry for my disappearing act. My life sort of got up-ended again ... and I haven't slept and I haven't felt like posting.

Thursday night our hot water heater ruptured and poured water into the laundry room. It probably happened during the day but we didn't see it until the evening, so we had to call the plumber and he was out there for a long time. I didn't go to sleep until late.

I popped into work on Friday and worked until I had to go home and help clean up the mess. Plumbers, believe it or not, DON'T travel around with new water heaters in their trucks. So he had to come back on Friday and why clean up REALLY when they are just going to track all kinds of stuff into your house? As I was doing that, my dad called and then the week really got rolling.

Some of you know, some of you don't ... but I have a brother in Austin who is in trouble. He has found himself on VERY hard times. If you want to know more, you can email me, because I don't feel ok just putting his stuff out here - but Dad called and asked in a roundabout way if I could go to Austin and check on some things- and I needed to go during the week. So I got in touch with my brother who resisted, and I had to call my dad back and say yes, but not when YOU want me to go, when HE wants me to go. The conversation did NOT go well and ended with me in tears, and packing my bags for Austin that MINUTE and Conrad being upset  ... it was a disaster. My brother called back, we agreed on the time my dad wanted and that was that.

I spent the weekend in tears. I was so upset with both my dad and my brother. I felt like my heart was cracking in half. Not to mention I have a husband too and I had to take his feelings into consideration. I think though - the ONLY person I haven't been WORRIED about is me and that is the WRONG thing to be doing. Because at the end of the day, it's me that's suffering. Not to say my dad, brother, family members are NOT suffering - but in this situation on Friday, I seemed to be the one who was being pulled in 4 directions .... and I was the one I didn't really take into account. I rushed around trying to make sure everyone else was happy. I was miserable ALL weekend cause my FL parents did not call me and I felt like ... they didn't know or maybe DID know I was upset ... and let it go by the wayside. So I called my dad Sunday and we hashed it out. But my stomache was just in KNOTS because after the screaming phone call in July with my brother...  I knew the next day I would be walking into something I really was not prepared much for. But I did it anyway. I do love my brother and I did want to see him.

Monday I went to work, left at 3 and hightailed it to Austin. It is a VERY sad and upsetting situation. That alone was enough to make me cry all week ... but it was really what transpired that did it for me. Things didn't get bad until Tuesday afternoon when we had our first argument. I literally could NOT say ANYTHING that did not send him into a rage. I mean a RAGE - it was like the phone call, only live in in color. It's hard to drive someone around and hand out money and advice, love and errands and have them tell you they hate you, to your face. When he popped into stores to run errands I would call Dad or Conrad and sometimes both and just SOB. I haven't really ever been spoken to this way before ... and it was hard to deal with. If I told him it was hard to deal with or reminded him I was sensitive, it seemed to anger him more. By the end of the day everything we set out to accomplish was done and so my dad would be happy and my brother would be better off, but WE were barely speaking. He would look at a spot over my head, on the wall and just speak monotone to me. It was a nice way to put me in my place and make me feel about 2 inches tall.

Wednesday was ok I guess. I dropped my brother off, and cried almost all the way back to Houston. I came straight to work and got here about 1. I got home and was looking foward to going to sleep around 8 - and instead we had a rain storm (first in like 8 months) and the electricity went off til midnight. The house was HOT, the mosquitos were out and I could not sleep.

Went to work exhausted on Thursday and got through it - and now it's Friday. I slept 9 hours last night and feel better, but not great. My brother texted me some good news from Austin, so that was good ... but I am still a mess. My arms and legs ache like I have the flu. My tailbone has been sore for some time, but now it's like SCREAMING in pain ... my shoulder which hurts sometimes was flared up. I have like these sores RIGHT on the inside of my nose. My mouth had little raw places but now is full blown raw- I can't eat or drink much. My head pounds and my eyes are permanently (at least for now) red and puffy. I am an absolute mess. Emotionally I can't feel much worse. I feel like the insides of me have been scraped out with a knife.

I'm having a REALLY hard time and I don't care much about decorating or recipes or building this house. While cute pics of Blanca make me smile I haven't been taking any. This blog may either be me ranting for awhile, or just ... quiet ... because I feel like my spirit needs to be quiet. I try to talk to people, if they inquire .. or text or worry for me ... I call or email people ... and sometimes the responses just make me want to run away. I have found I have 2 family members I can really count on to like take calls or talk to me whenever ... and I have 3 really great friends that will listen and mostly stay quiet OR be outraged for ME which is what I need. I am sure there are sides to all the stories. If you put the entire family in a room we would see the same thing, in 50 different ways ... but I take things harder than most people ... and I am NOT doing well. Not even a little bit. I'm not even going to pretend I am ok. Conrad wants me to go to the doctor and talk some stuff out. Maybe I will.

No one understands that I look at baby pics of him or whatever and I see that kid still when I went to Austin. Even when he is hollering at me, I can see his little soccer picture and the sweet boy he used to be and sometimes still is. I am trying to hold on to that, keep my compassion, try to STOP being so sensitive, and this weekend I need to be all about me. I need rest and peace and whatever else I want. I look like I'm 10 years older than I am. Dark circles and all that ... I just need it to STOP for a little while. My mind races a 100 miles a minute.

I pray a LOT. I wake up praying and fall asleep praying and pray all day long. I could sure use some extra prayers if you have time. For me, for him and for my family. We are being eaten alive by stress. I can't even describe it, although I have tried.